You're Mean, and That Sucks.

After spending a few perfectly good days trying to make sense of a colleague’s bad behavior at work, I find myself coming back to the same set of solutions.

1. Arrange to have her struck by lightening.

This is impractical, because I do not have lightening bolts in my fists, and even if I were to scoot around the house in my socks for a few hours, I would probably not be able to keep the static charge long enough to blast her out of her faux Reeboks.  At best, I might accidentally shock my dog while kissing her on the nose. At worst, I might forget I have an electrical charge and decide to put gas in my car.  Kaboom.
Also, there is the karmic damage I might incur by wishing ill on this walking, talking snotrag.  I don’t have to like her behavior.  I don’t even have to like her.  But wishing her ill would make a serious dent in my Karma bank account, and I really don’t want to spend my cosmic brownie points that way.

2. Tit for Tat, butter for fat.  You kick my dog, I’ll kick your cat.

 If I thought giving her back what she sends my way would do any good at all, I’d do it. After all, I’m way more clever than she. I can  pronounce words like “picture” and “cat” and “heinous bitch.”  But she has 50 years of bitterness and consummate evil on her resume, and I can’t possibly outlast her in a battle of nastiness.   She oozes hostility; straps it on and violates others with it. I don’t have to stoop to her level, any more than I have to bend over and take it.

3.  Ignore the Behavior, Extinguish the Behavior.

This seems more the tack to take, but some tweaking is necessary.  After all, ignoring a snapping dog hurts like hell for awhile.  That’s why shock collars sell so well, (see above discussion of static charges) because they Make It Stop. A bark collar might do a world of good, but getting her to wear it won’t be easy.  So, simply ignoring her isn’t going to work.  I must use my wits to distract her, or find a way to respond that doesn’t require me to amp up emotionally.

4. I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message…

So, I have come up with a list of stock responses to her verbal attacks that will confuse her into temporary silence.  If I am really good at anything, it is confusing others.
“Wait, hold on, I need to write that down.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. What did you say?  (Repeat until she stops talking.)
“Oh, poor you!  I hope you feel better soon.”
“I wish I could fix that for you.”
“Wow. Wishes do come true.” and my stepmother’s favorite line:
“How embarrassing for you!”

If you have other suggestions, send them to me at beaglefish@live.com.  I’ll let you know how they work.